Before I start my evening of writing, I wanted to jot down a few thoughts that have been snaking their ways through my head. Two weeks ago tonight, I was at a coastal writing retreat that changed my life. I left the following Monday, determined to continue with my writing in spite of the many daily bites that are taken out of my time, but I have fallen yet again into that pit, that cycle, of I’m-not-writing-oh-God-I’m-not-a-writer-when-will-I-ever-find-the-time-to-write-arggggghhhh. And I need to just forgive myself for that, and nod at that thought while I’m moving forward, passing it by. Yes, l have a young kiddo who needs me, and yes, my house is a mess, and there are eight million reasons for me not to have the time to write. And that is okay right now.

Today, I had the realization that I’ve been approaching everything about my life the wrong way! (Not a big deal there or anything.) I’ve been frantically trying to change my surroundings, smooth my schedule, thinking that if the House Is Clean and Everything Is Neat and Organized that I will then be able to turn inward and have time and peace to reflect and to write. But. That idyllic, candle-burning, rain dripping on the windowpane, quiet neat house scenario is not going to play out for me right now, and I need to turn perspective inside out and upside down and all around. I need to find beauty in chaos and carve out a couple feet for my brain to wheel around, in the midst of the mess, and I WILL BE OKAY. I will write. And I’m going to stop beating myself up for it. Because, gah, there are a million other things for which we moms can beat up ourselves.

So here goes! Tea in hand, actual candle burning (!)…whatever comes tonight will be a gift, and I will accept it and be thankful.